Tery's Tweets Part 11

>'Make no small plans'. That's the first rule of the Burnham society. The second is 'don't get eaten'. My focus is mostly on the second.

>My dryad friend got pissed that I said she looked beautiful this time of year. Got a whole lecture on faunal pattern baldness.

>Thank god for Halloween. All the monsters think it's safe to come out.

>I have to learn to breathe again. The eyes it was nothing but eyes. The flare trick didn't work. It had more eyes.

>The term for someone losing their soul, and becoming a fish-beast in the service of an undead department store exec is called 'shedding'.

>Hiding from the storms. The sky is black and in the lightning are the shadows of stampeding horses. I should have taken a sick day.

>This really is my busy season. People think they have a right to be monsters. It's as awkward as being at a minstrel show in Bronzeville.

>The Lord of Summer rides the microbursts. It's his petty way of fucking with the autumn folk.

>I watched as the mausoleum doors were sealed, and only then understood the power of a contract.

>Awwww...the moral anguish of killing your zombie lover. Just remember the last time they reprogrammed your remote and take aim.

>There. My busy season is officially over until Christmas. If you think the season isn't a bitch: suicides, ice and repentant ghosts.

>Can't talk. The echoes are looking for me.

>I'm sure it's mice in her boxspring. But she's now in my bed, and I'm in her apartment with the holy water and the claymore.

>Last night I was unable to tell the difference between an imaginary friend and a ghost. The need, the loneliness, the harm...all the same.

>My shapeshifter friend broke up with me. Apparantly they changed into a form that saw I was a jerk.

>We're not the only society. We represent the worldview of one Architect, and our power stems from that view. The other views are

>Four faerie courts, one for each season. Their power is small, but their beauty is evident. Graceland, the Field, Wrigley, the lagoon.

>There's no such thing as a fire escape. It's always a ‘sticky bastard who pinched the container of my soul’ escape.

>I honestly can't tell anymore. Is the cultist wearing a mask and pirate shirt being ironic or retro? I swear the cobewbs are spray-on.

>The ogres left. They said it was our meddling, but I think it was the tax rate. Good luck, Naperville...

Tery's Tweets Part 10

>Every time I want anything, ned says he'll have to ask the board. Fine. I have a flashlight, a crowbar, and a shovel. Board meeting tonight.

>The faerie ring is itself a faerie. But it's not a door. It's a mouth.

>Talking with ogres about sauces is both cool and frightening. It has to be like a cow asking a chef about steak preparation.

>It's a dead man's party...seriously. not very active. Best to do is raid the guests for jewelry.

>All pebbles are now suspect.

>Obtaining a Hand of Glory from autoerotic asphyxiation doesn't diminish the power, but do you really want to touch that hand?

>My mom knows more than I realize. I have to accept what is strange and wonderful for some is a job without a health plan for others.

>Bridget sleeps beneath the river. She's still a young dragon, and so her dreams lack a past. I read her jk rowling. Don't know if it helps.

>What made Halloween less scary? Milk chocolate. Goblins cannot get enough of the stuff. Just remember: 'chocolatey' will get you killed.

>I would feel worse about the cook's suicide, but now the diner's chili is just perfect. Talk about putting your life in your work.

>There's a hybrid shapeshifter who is whatever it needs to be to fit in to a group. They feed off the isolation and insecurity of outsiders.

>I love the look on their face when some billionaire discovers what purchasing an eternal membership in the Burnham society entails.

>My shapeshifter friend went with me to a con. For something that spends their time -not- standing out, Experiencing cosplay was traumatic.

>Sister remains trapped in san fran. I sent her some crucifixes, some mandrake, and a shopping list. I want chocolate and sourdough.

>I had to explain to some friends the limited nature of 'coming out day'. Much of -their- pride flag colors are outside the visual spectrum.

>As pretty as the leaves are, watching the sprites die off for the winter is depressing.

>Fucking tourists. Don't get offended when my friends' concept of human beings is like your sesame street impression of monsters.

>Talked with an adult changeling last night, looking for the local Courts. I felt so mortal, and my problems so mundane. The wings were...wow

>There's a book. It gives Burnham's vision for the future of Chicago, layer by layer. Ned showed me the seven layers not in the book. Oh my.

>The Burnham society never blackballs anyone. If someone isn't liked, the noose and knife in the initiation ritual is quite useful.

Tery's Tweets Part 9

>If you can come up with a romantic term for a shapeshifter that doesn't imply gender or species, let me know.

>People think the scene is always at mausoleums. That's what those corpses want you to think. I know some unmarked graves that just rock.

>If -only- vampires exploded in goo when they got staked. If you see an aspect of vampirism that makes a hunter's job easier...it's wrong

>Shapeshifter bondage is unique. A little like bonsai, a little like shibari...and the end result is for all intents an ordinary person.

>It's rarely a haunting. Sometimes the mold just gets lonely.

>It's a problem of the job: a heightened fear of toys. From killer dolls to the legoplex. The truth behind rainbow brite would kill you.

>A couple I know said all the magic had gone out of their relationship. Ever since i gave them the grimoire, they stopped complaining… or talking

.> Most jobs have associations or unions. I have secret societies. Noose around my neck 4 times so far. Hanged twice. Buried once.

>There's someone in front of me on the train writing about the Hospital of Ghouls. Is my work bleeding out, or are there others in my job?

>Thursday, i'm flying out to see the shapeshifter's family. Hands up: who's surprised they're on the west coast? Open mind, open mind...

>I don't want to do this. A week with the magic folk. "I have horns!" "I summoned an elder god!" "I...have an art history BA."

>Evil fog...meet the blowdryer of great justice. God, people...I'm from -Chicago-. What else do you have?

>In a warehouse of ancient artifacts. I need an iphone, a sticker printer, a glock, and a sandwich. Sourdough please.

>Returning. Still alive, but the memories will linger into the next lifetime.

>Sample of killer fog, the sash of the emperor of America? No, what Ned was most happy to have? A sourdough loaf.

>There are viruses of the soul. Clawing hungry thoughtless illnesses of despair. The symptoms are visible through the eyes. It's autumn.

>I'm told not to question what's in the Aquarium. Not our job. I just find it offensive that a Whale Lord's carcass is hung from a ceiling.

>You would think a man that once held the reliquary of nikolai tesla would know to play a goddamned electric bill. Candles are not safe here!

>The fundraiser isn't for us to keep our jobs. That's built into the charter. The fundraiser is for the weapons we need to do our jobs.

>The courts have changed from summer to autumn. From racists with butterfly wings to the beasts that go bump in the night.

Tery's Tweets Part 8

>I hate the undead. It's like having your best friend break up with you. They're still there, it's really awkward, and you have to kill them.

>It's a very soggy invasion as the city submits to the sweltering tyranny of our sullen summer overlords. A missive has been sent to autumn.

>It's actually not so difficult to be a sorcerer. Like any skill, the basics take some time and the rest comes with passion and practice.

>No one sells their soul anymore. It's become a line of credit. Big lines of happiness and prosperity with easy terms on forgiveness.

>My shapeshifter friend stood me up. Didn't know until her best friend changed back while we were having dinner.

>That was counterproductive. When we talked to the ogre about his weight problem, he felt so bad he ate more babies. We were trying to help!

>When the selkies walk the streets in their own skins, it's a rainy day. The seafood, however, is fantastic.

>Whether or not a sorceress is right or wrong. Anyone who can turn you into a frog is always in the right. Upside: girls think I'm a prince.

>We only focus on the objects. Most of the ghosts of the exposition have long disintegrated. But sometimes an object holds a soul as well.

>Mom's coming to town. Gotta hide the porn and the sacred artifacts. Asked shapeshifter to pick a single form. That fight went all night.

>You put a leash on a naked man and take him for a walk, you get arrested. Full moon comes out, and everyone wants to pet the puppy. Bastard.

>You want to know why I'm not a doctor ma? I know the locations of the seven secret organs of man and what happens when they get cut.

>Ever seen a salamander dissolve? Wait for a hot humid dawn. Wait until he crawls out of his boiler, and then cover him in baking soda

>Have you experienced an all-consuming passion? John G Shedd did, and it consumed him, digested him, and crapped out a frog-eyed monster.

>I dreamt i was back in school when miss lupindo was telling me there was no such thing as monsters. She was killed with silver in 1993.

>My two year training period with the burnhams ends this week. Ned says i won't have a safety net anymore...there was a net?!?

>A pat on the back, a bulb of garlick, and a box of hollow-point rounds. I am now a fully vetted member of the Burnham Society. Fuck me.

>Where do all the souls go? Is there a separate train line or something? The pity in the old ghost's eyes was rather damning.

>If the monster you see is looking out at you from the mirror...U.V. shock first, then silver nitrate, then black paint. Stupid.

>Within the post office is a labyrinth that has no escape. Just the smell of kerosene, lye, and the screams of young women. Oh, Dr. Holmes...

Tery's Tweets Part 7

>This really is an elemental week. Niads aren,t the driest creatures about, but who decided to host a marathon of camille and titanic?

>I hate witches. Warty ones, hippy pagan ones, and underage ones in frilly dresses wanting to purge my demons. Seriously. Anime kills magic

>The weather's good. Going to spend my day imagining I'm not living in a world poisoned by sorcerous cults from the 1800s. Pet a selkie.

>I had a goblin child cry for his mommy because the big bad Tery was going to eat him for being bad. My heart broke and we got ice cream.

>Today I saw a fox with a leaf on his head. I gave him some tips on the modern era and gave him a copy of The Reader to wear instead.

>When attending a shapeshifter birth, it's imperative you don't make any noise that could 'name' the child. Poor 'Disgusting Bloodbag'...

>The cicadas offer a warning.

>Even shapeshifters get the blues. Far worse, though, are the ochres. I think something could use a cookie and a hug.

>Okay, yes the rumors are true. I'm dating a shapeshifter. S(h)e's an artist. Let me tell you, shapeshifter sculpture is quite transgressive.

>Nothing makes summer better than free ice cream. And pixies. God i love pixies. I don't have to believe in them. Because they're awesome.

>Have to see a man about a dream. They should really post an exchange rate.

>Ever tried to explain your job to your mom? It's like that only with death cults and a reliquary that was so cute, she just had to have it.

>Red, purple, yellow,orange, green, brown, blue, pink...there is a ninth line. It turns and turns, a spiral path going back to the beginning.

>It's not the heat; it's the things trying to kill you in your sleep.

>The posts are going to be fragmented over the next few days. I've had to lock my soul away for safekeeping.

>The magic words have been uttered and the documents filed. I am now a real boy. And eligible for retirement and dismemberment.

>Never offer to judge a beauty contest between mannequins.

>Hot, sticky, and the awareness that tendrils of malevolent razors spiral around the perimeters of your soul. How was your weekeend?

Tery's Tweets Part 6

>The Tree of Life can be used for a really entertaining boardgame. Winner can raise the dead.

>Some of my shapeshifter friends took me out last night, and showed me the tricks to identifying their kind. You are in for an ugly surprise.

>There is a second zoo deep beneath lincoln park. It hasn't been tended to in years, but there are still survivors. And they bred true.

>For all the mysteries in my job, the cat in the office is spectacularly ordinary. Dumb as a rock, but eats pixies. Can't be all bad.

>GAAAAAAAAAH! PIXIES! PIXIES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

>We're bringing in exterminators. We use a 13 year old girl who's 'too cool' to believe in such silly things. She might get banned by Geneva.

>After several years of nonstop panic, I find that I get very little done unless faced with the prospect of being eaten by trolls.

>Align your spine one way, open your mind. Another opens a gateway to a higher consciousness. The third position opens a portal. Back soon.

>The best part about enlightenment: The universe. The worst part: The customs office on the way back.

>Every year we have to negotiate with the plants. You think this is silly? Look at detroit in summer.

>I found out that calling it SecondLife is a little bigoted. It's a little unsettling realizing that I'm Tery_Awesomelord's avatar instead.

>Its almost time for the Taste. Fatten up the tourists, and the trains will sleep all winter. Barbecue smell hides many sins.

>Ned told me that he feared nothing. When he introduced me to nothing, I learned to fear it as well. Nothing's wong. Nothing is watching you.

>When I was a child, I wanted a magic sword to protect me from all the bad things in the dark. At this point, I want a grenade. Magic or not.

>I saw a lonely ghost on the rails last night. Her tears kept sparking the track. She told me her story, and I wish we were more different.

>Mandrake grown in Chicago doesn't scream. But -boy- does it complain!

>Went to chinatown to get the most essential tool in a society member's disposal: a cleaver. Fine cutting, broad body, and speaking of bodies

>Grey day. Time to hide in the office, turn on NPR, do some filing and watch the skulls grow.

>Having a scar on your forehead doesn't make you chosen. If that were true, my scars would make me the greatest lover in history. Shut up.

>If you kill a salamander properly, you don't need to cook it. Its blood will barbecue the body from the inside. Good luck strangling it.

Tery's Tweets Part 5

>It's just a job. There are trolls under bridges. When they're killed, the bones need to be cleaned away. That's not my friend's bracelet.

>The goddess of Chicago has no face. This was done deliberately so she could not see what her followers do in her name. Who loves markers?

>She said she wanted another chance. This time it would be forever. I staked her heart and severed her head. I'm not big on commitment.

>I don't know if I can eat at 9 Demons noodles anymore. I've gotten over the ingredients issue, but coca-cola? HONESTLY?

>Ned's back. While he sorts out all my paperwork, I'll have a good book cuddle up with me. Histories are the most affectionate.

>'God hates...' Dude. Be glad God doesn't even notice we're -here-. Because otherwise it's teeth, tentacles, and blood puppets. Look it up.

>I found out that death benefits aren't what I thought. On the upside, I have a lot more time for things. Downside? I'll never leave this job

> The soul of the Automatic Girl is a melody in a brass resonance chamber. I thought it would be fun to sample it. The remix tried to kill me.

>I'm losing the moon. Full moons only have werewolves. What comes forth when there is no light left to watch...Isn't pleasant.

>The only link between the assaults was the fact that each perp had an arrow in their back and chalk candy on their lips. Cupid's returned.

>There's something in my bed. Big warm, and affectionate. I'm sure if I open my eyes, the fear will kill me, but I could use a good cuddle.

>'Mad' scientist is relative. Oppenheimer was sane and he blew up the world. I took in someone who was trying to convert lead into velveeta.

>It's time to go to market. Red beans, chocolate, garlic, rosemary (for remembrance) and kitten souls. Can't forget the kitten souls.

>People who say it's hard to say goodbye have never summoned an elder god.

>Ned recommended alternative therapies to dealing with my faerie phobia. Upon reflection, ecstacy should not have been my first choice.

>I was told that a phoenix egg would make me immortal. But I looked up its cholesterol level on Weight Watchers, and I'm not so certain.

>We don't get a lot of fox spirits in the city. It's kind of like finding coyotes in the suburbs, except with more murder-suicides.

>Hunted down someone whom I thought was wearing the mark of a dangerous cult of child rapists. Turns out it was just Ash Wednesday.

>I'm in the archives today. I expected to find the cafe. However, you can find the entire faerie court between 929 and 945. Might not be back

>I now know why the noses are missing from ancient statues. For god's sake, people. Honestly.

Tery's Tweets Part 4

>Some days you just want a leather mask, some chicken scissors, and nylon cord.

>Every 4th that Bridget remains asleep is a good 4th. You haven't seen fireworks until you've met a dragon

>And as the fold gathered to listen to the Messiah speak on the mount, he realized at that moment he was bigger than John Lennon.

>Mermaid sashimi...*sigh* It shouldn't be this delicious.

>Apparantly the Burnham Society is only 38% hetero. What is it about a pair of male retro-adventurers fighting the supernatural that feels gay?

>The Everleigh Slipper. The greatest artifact I'll never be able to admit to finding.

>Ned didn't like the research proposal. I wanted to do an impact study of bullets upon the soft parts of ogres. My hypothesis was great.

>The Devil thought I was crazy for selling my soul for a hot dog combo. Upon ordering the duck fries, however, he agreed it was worth it.

>We both came into it for the wrong reasons. I wanted a sexy vampire girlfriend, she needed a fix who would take her to the movies.

>I'm getting reviewed. Pros: slew my first dragon. Cons: endangered. I'm sorry, but if you can eat me, I am not the one endangering you.

>Clap and bring a fairy to life. Clap again and smash it. Repeat as desired.

>You know you're jaded when you realize you're only dealing with a serial murderer with a paperback necronomicon and some mommy issues.

>I am getting -really- sick of psychics. It does make my job easier, however. If they don't have a seizure at the sight of me, they're fake.

>The pickpocket's ghost ran rampant. The objects were still where they'd belonged, he'd just stolen their value.

>Girlfriend tried to get back together last night. Said she's incomplete without me. Curse my rare blood type.

>Hold a thought. Give it to the person to your left. See how it feels. If it's gooshy, that's not a thought. Kill the zombie to your right.

>Rule: Grimoires are not to be scanned into the computer. The information tends to...wander off.

>I learned today that Basilisks are stored in mirrored cages. Who knew? Oleg didn't. But now we have new office art. Silver lining and all...

>You read Gaiman and Chesterton, and you believe that what lies beneath cities is a wonderland of danger and adventure. Not dragon poo.

>I introduced a Gamer to a real Mage today. I don't think they understood each other. The Gamer said he was level 80. The Mage ate his soul.

Tery's Tweets Part 3

>The ferris wheel has a car that disappears at the top and reappears at the bottom. I haven't had the nerve to see the view.

>Never get into an argument with two of the three sisters. The third will come to you in dreams. Yes, I'd love some coffee.

>Sometimes it's important to remember that the magic is within you...Growing..twitching...feeding.

>Why can't the scraping in the walls just be mice?

>"I don't really care for death" Is not a conversation starter.

>Made my pitch last night. The response was...unexpected. I don't know if I'm getting my 5% increase, or I'm the new King of Garfield Park.

>I hate exorcising phantom limbs.

>Tonight, going to see my favorite play. Not supposed to name it out loud, I just call it: William Shakespeare's 'Fate's a Bitch'.

>Waiting for body to heal. Hate doing body part inventories, but you never know who's going to use what for which spell...

>Life is a period. Immortality is a series of ellipses. The undead are l335sp34k. Seriously. Zombies are the PWN3D of life.

>I really need to learn how to empty my mind. Without a revolver.

>Edward Gorey was a Prophet

>26 dead children. This is -not- what I signed up for. I'm now afraid of patterned wallpaper.

>I saw a Rat King made up of people.

>I learned today that the dead never stop paying.

>She replaced his coffin with a tanning bed. I'm never going to get that image out of my head.

>My boss took today. I'm going to be spending all of wednesday chasing after him for it.

>I now understand the Hatter's punishment. I fucking hate tea.

>Everybody buys a salamander in -winter-. I just wish they would take summer responsiblity. Dredging the river is sad.

>Apparantly it's not murder-suicide if both parties can reincarnate. Ned says it's just called 'blowing off steam'.

Tery's Tweets Part 2

>The worst part of working for a secret occult society: Taxes. Best part? T-shirts.

>Say what you will about foxes. They do make the best noodles.

>At this point, I'm going to make a list of places that -DON'T- have secret cults devoted to monstrosities. Oddly, the Shriners count.

>Bridget's gassy. Some dragons shouldn't be eating what comes out of the river. Back to the emergency room.

>The basement's flooded. Guess how many things down there will come to life. Winner gets eaten.

>The Grail, or a raise? Gotta go with my 4 percent.

>It's all in good fun until someone loses their soul.

>Everyone else gets to talk like Shakespeare today. Me? I get chewed out by Oberon. And yes, he -does- talk like that. All the TIME.

>The trains are shackled to their rails. However, they know all our names.

>Found the mask. I know I'll never find the body.

>Found a grimoire today. It's not good when a curse mentions your ex by name.

>Have been abducted by fairies from Milwaukee. Do not send help. Repeat do -not- send help. I will return with cookies.

>Home again. The cat brings omens.

>Blame it on the rain...Because that's where the evidence leads.

>Thought I was on a diplomatic mission to Alfheim. Turned out I had just passed out in the bathroom stall.

>"The only way I do a resurrection is if I get a call". I really need to not eavesdrop in other cubicles.

>I don't care if she's stealing my essence. She paid for a great lunch.

>I can't tell if a stray cat has walked in the office, or the new temp's arrived. I put out a saucer of energy drink to be on the safe side

>Say what you will about the job. The trade magazines are excellent.

>Invisible things still smell.

Tery's Tweets Part 1.

As Ned himself will tell you, the Burnham Society is like any other job. Clock in, Do your job, clean the grates of basilisks, clock out. It's actually very mundane. This is because he has an assistant. Someone to handle the nightmares, atrocities, and general weirdness. And he has a Twitter account.

I did these tweets daily as a means of keeping the idea alive while I was in college. They provide a window into the world, and what the Burnham Society is like as a day job. More to come.

>I shouldn't have been surprised that gryphon would turn out to be a very gamey meat. I mean, it's two predators in one!

>Quick! How many dangerous occult items are imbedded in the Tribune building? Answer: 5.

>There's only one place to eat a Billy Goat Cheeseburger. The other places don't contain the souls of journalists.

>My landlord says I can't use my shower. I suspect Elder Gods.

>I've held Excalibur in my hands, and yet I can't convince my boss to use a relational database. *sigh*

>According to my lunchbuddy, being immortal doesn't mean you live forever. It just feels like it.

>Boss says that we're archivists. Show of hands: How many archivists are presently in the sewer with a revolver?

>I'm told I can only go to the Mausoleum in the off-hours. I suspect my workload is just about to double.

>For insurance reasons, I had to get an estimate on my soul. The results were depressing.

>I think I made a wrong turn. Clearly I am in Wednesday.

>Best cure for being lost in time? Patience.

>Had to explain to a coven exactly who they were invoking. Neither side was pleased.

>It honestly sounded like marbles falling down the stairs.

>Day off. Research at last. And maybe I'll go to the river to just hang back, relax, and feed the selkies.

>There are kinksters amongst the faerie court. Just not in the way we understand the term. Immortality is a poison.

>Someone talked. I'm on inventory. Those who forget history are doomed to be eaten by it.

>Several staffers at the Society got the axe today. I was stuck cleaning the axe.

>Rented out the safety deposit box. Reliquary, Glock, $6,000, and Mr. Snugglebear. Don't judge me.

>Had my performance review. I still don't believe past lives should count.

>Received weaponized faith from the remains of a zombie jihad in the Sudan. We need more Society folk at customs.