When in doubt, go back to what worked.

Eleven years ago, I became close friends with someone through fanfic. I wasn't a big follower of fanfic, and the stuff I wrote almost immediately found a new place to be, but it started 11 years of friendship, and the beginning of my writing path.

For both the friendship and the writing, things have been hard. For my friend, the differences seem to outweigh the commonalities, and it's harder still, now that my life is changing paths again. Writing is a pain, with piles of pages full of opening sentences, and the phrase written again and again when I get stuck: Maybe this isn't the story you want to tell. It's been painful. In both cases, I felt like it was time to give up.

Two weeks ago, I introduced my friend to a story-based web game that had all of the things we tend to like. As we hung out, we'd play the game over our smartphones. But when our visit ended, so did the play. Today, I happened to need him for some items in the game, and rather than just posting a request, I sent him a letter in the style of the game. To which he responded in kind with even more flair. The back and forth has begun.

I have to allow myself to use earlier tools, no matter how immature. If the goal is to get me writing, then the smaller, sillier tools have a use, and as I develop, I can go back to the tools that served me before school. And in reading my friend's missives, it's good to have that relationship rebuilding as well.

Trusting what's inside

I'm a big believer in dreams.

Not as astral journeys, or gateways into higher consciousness. Just as the sheer processing and cleanup of information that surrounds me. I love the idea that everything I take in within a day in data, sensory information, and emotional experience can be reviewed, sorted, edited, and incorporated into my personal narrative...While the personal narrative that is my 'self' experiences it.

I look forward to dreams when I'm in new environments, or when I've had a day where the sensory overload goes beyond my ability to process. The dreams try to put all that information in context, and in that process, arrangements that are at the same time false (as in, the connections have nothing to do with each other) and awesome (as in tripping awesome).

In crisis points in my life, the same thing happens. For decades, it was a recurring dream. However, two months ago, the factors that made the recurring dream 'true' were eliminated. I could no longer dream of going back to school...I had gone, and triumphed. This week, though, I discovered that finishing school wasn't enough for my psyche, and I was hammering day after day, despairing of figuring out what to do with my life in the limited time I have left. Most of my friends are well on their way, with multiple successes and failures under their belt, moving on to paths I can barely fathom.

The misery I've felt over having done so little reached an apex last night, and I didn't want to go to bed. But exhaustion prevailed, and I was able to sleep in a position that allowed for deep dreaming.

And as a good dream does (whether fun or frightening), it attempted to contextualize everything, and came up with a narrative that was both wrong and awesome.

I get who my imagined 'players' are in my failure fantasy. I get where I see myself. I get why my comparisons to others are wrong. But at the same time...what a kickass narrative. I got to watch a great story, and until my body forced me awake (from moving into the -wrong- position), participate in it. I know where to go.

On a related note, I love my phone. Aside from it now being my alarm clock, the app 'Evernote' for immediate note-and-tag writing is fantastic. Best dream journal ever.