Rain

Today's supposed to be a celebration. It's the last of the year, so there's supposed to be sleeping in, drinking, dining, and partying.

At 330, I was up. At 5:30 I was hiking. An hour in, at the furthest point from home, I got caught in a thunderstorm. I'd taken a different path than normal, which broke my rule to always be near the trains. There was only one way to get home through the storm, and it was just to plow through. The rain soaked my jacket, my jeans, and was cold to boot. It just was one of the worst hours of my life. I had absolutely no control of my environment, I did everything I could to keep what I had on me dry, and in the end just had to hope for the best and make it home.

This is the year coming up. There's a lot not under my control. I've got things in motion, but I can't control the outcomes of most of them. Some are in the hands of others, some just rely on the winds. But like today, all I can do is my part. No matter what happens outside, I know what I can do, and as long as I do my best. I'll find my way home.

The Gap Week.

I'm in an extremely quiet office today. Everyone is still out with their families and friends, and won't be back until a new year rings, and everyone pushes the restart button on their lives. New goals, new resolutions, a can-do attitude that gets crippled in the winter. If New Year's was still in April, I think a lot more resolutions would get done.

I'm crap with resolutions. I'm crap with saying 'I'm going to do this!' and make it happen. I'll shut down. I don't know the how or why of it, but the more I tell, the less likely it becomes. In a normal circumstance, I would learn to just shut up. But I'm also not very good at that.

What -does- work is putting myself in a position where I can't -not- do what I've promised. That I back myself into a corner so tight that the only thing to do is succeed. And in 2011, there's more than a few things going on.

The first is working with my boyfriend to get him settled in Chicago. That's a big challenge and a bigger stressor. There's a lot of concerns and challenges, and I'm focusing on the material problems, rather than addressing the emotional ones. Over the year, I need to address all of them. I love him to pieces, and would a love a life with him.

The second, is Optimist Theatre's Will-ness program. I pledged to drop 75lbs over the next year, doing everything 'right': Diet, exercise, mental wellness. In return, I have a handful of sponsors pledging money on a per-pound basis. This breaks with some older mental health plans I had, but screw it. I love the Optimists and believe in what they do. More importantly, though, I'd really just like to look dashing at least once before I'm 40.

The third is more challenging, and I'm forcing myself into a corner right now by posting it. Before my birthday in May. I'll be producing an urban fantasy podcast. It will feature submitted original fiction, and will pay. It won't be a pro-paying market, but it will pay. It will also cover some media criticism, and literature reviews. Sometime in the next few days, I'll be posting the rules here as well.

There's smaller goals. Cons, Costumes, my own writing, GRE's, certification classes, but those are the big three. And they all go live on Saturday.

Which is why I'm glad there's a gap week.

The holiday is done. There were people, there were gifts. I put effort into making strangers feel welcome, and tried not to feel alone. But yesterday, the year had ended. There was nothing left for me to do. I got my degree. I got divorced. I've been to see family and friends, and they've come to see me. I've run tours, I've worked with theatre companies, and I've been live on a podcast. But there's still a week left. A week where I can look back and see what I've done; where I can plan for what's to come.

And breathe.

I simply must learn to breathe.